


3 years

by Sometimes_im_sad



Series: Venting but through comfort characters oof [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Author Projecting onto Taako (The Adventure Zone), Bad Spelling & Grammar, Candlenights, Depression, Drinking, Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I didn't try, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, Mentioned Sazed (The Adventure Zone), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Taako (The Adventure Zone), Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Taako Has Issues (The Adventure Zone), Taako Has a Mental Breakdown (The Adventure Zone), Tags Are Hard, Time Skips, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, drowning metaphor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sometimes_im_sad/pseuds/Sometimes_im_sad
Summary: Taako loved Kravitz and no matter what. that's what he reminded himself at every chance at least.So why did he feel a hole in his heart whenever hearing him say "I love you"? Why did he feel uncomfortable whenever they hold each other, why did he feel nauseous just looking at Kravitz?why does he feel like his life is no longer his own?Why did this go from relationship angst to ~Various forms of angst~
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Series: Venting but through comfort characters oof [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945180
Kudos: 7





	3 years

**Author's Note:**

> Taako:*Exist*
> 
> My trauma that has had no outlet for fucking years: Why hello there~
> 
> Tw's in case you didn't read all the tags: Self-harm, Somewhat toxic relationship in a way of "I'm going to ignore my boyfriend and not communicate", Sazed is mentioned in a "his old relationships infect that way" sort of kind.

Taako and Kravitz have been dating for a single year and they still live in different houses.

It has been a year and Taako still sometimes winces when Kravitz talks, it's not intentional and he most definitely doesn't mean to do it, it just happens. No one has noticed, if they have they haven't brought it up at least, so he doesn't say anything and just keeps his mouth shut. He starts to avoid Kravitz when he knows that he wouldn't even be able to see him, locking his doors and even putting a do not disturb sign on the door as if that adds to the message in some way. On those days no one bothers him at all, not Barry and not even Lup dare to come near the door when he gets that way. He doesn't mean to, really, it just happens and he can't stand hearing or seeing his boyfriend. 

That's normal, right? That's all his past relationships went and sure they ended badly but it didn't feel wrong at least. He still loved Kravit dearly after all. 

As the months go on it gets harder to be near Kravitz despite how much he _craves_ it. He wants to just curl up in the other's arms and cry and say how much he adores him and how he was dumb for avoiding him. He wants to kiss him and just show to the world how this man is _his_ , yet he doesn't. He keeps his distance and while they text and call(taako has to mentally prepare himself for the calls) it just doesn't feel the same. He still feels nasty and he still feels as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders every time they so much as interact. 

* * *

It wasn't until a month into the 2nd year did Taako really understand the severity of what was happening. It practically hit him like a brick. 

It was the weekly game night and he finally has the idea to join, a blanket wrapped around him as he sat around the coffee table with the rest of his family. Everyone showed up and sat around the small table and he nearly winced whenever Kravitz sat next to him and offered a small-shy smile. Taako tries to offer one back but it turns into a grimace and he quickly cuts that out. Kravitz was so close he could smell the cologne he was wearing, one Taako picked out last year if he smelt it correctly. It made his head spin and then some, every single time Kravitz put a card down he would scoot closer to Taako, and every time Taako would scoot just an inch closer to Magnus who was at his sides.

Eventually, he ended up on Magnus' lap and continued to just play the game like that. He could still smell the cologne and it was making him light-headed. As if he would pass out if this game was to continue. He tries to put down the feeling, push the thoughts away, and just try to spend time with his family but it was seemingly impossible. No matter what it came back and the more e suppressed it the more powerful it got until he couldn't handle it anymore, the world was spilling too much and his heart was pounding too hard in his chest to even focus. He quickly gets off of Magnus' lap trying not to fall face-first into the card game. 

"Taako's in, long night" Taako chokes out, his voice was shaking as he tries to push more air out then he had in himself. Even that half baked sentence was too much for him at the' moment. 

It didn't work. 

"Goodnight, love!" Kravitz says cheerfully and Taako nearly throws up right then and there as the bile starts to painfully come up his throat. Instead, though, he tightly wrapped the blanket around himself, a tight smile playing at his lips, gods were he even more uncomfortable right now. 

"Goodnight. "He mumbles before running upstairs to his room and closing the door before sliding down the door with a shaky breath. No matter how much he tries to breathe it only seems as if he's only exhaling and never taking in a full breath. It was starting to hurt again, the feeling of lightheadedness was back and the bile in his throat burned to no end. It took all of his strength to keep his hands away from his neck.

* * *

It was a phone call that he foolishly picked up despite knowing it was a bad day and despite knowing it was Kravitz that started it this time. He thought about telling him the truth, about how he couldn't do this anymore but he thought against it. He always did whenever it came to these things, the rational part of his brain always being held down by the more selfish side. 

Taako felt lightheaded the entire phone call, every word Kravitz talked, down to the second, his throat and chest constricted and it felt as if someone was strangling him. He wanted to scream wt the hands to let him go and let him breathe but he couldn't speak or think. He thought about if this was actually a real thing that was happening, that someone was actually on top of him and sitting on his chest squeezing 

It hurt more than normal, normally it was just a pinch in his lungs and it would go away but right now he could _Feel_ it he could feel the crushing weight of his chest and he actually sobbed. It was loud and shaky and he actually feels better after it. It was still as if his chest was constricting but it was somewhat easier despite the jagged breathing pattern he had taken on. 

When was the last time he had cried?

Taako lay still on his bed as the cool tears ran down his too hot cheeks. As the tears run down he winces, he winces at the feeling and starts to dig his nails into his palm to focus on something other than the feeling on his face. It felt unnatural at best as if it wasn't meant to be happening to him at this specific moment in time. It worked, the pain distracted him enough to just forget about the waterfall that left his eyes. For once, he was grateful he was the only one in the house so no one could hear how pathetic he seemed at this moment. 

He felt beyond pathetic at his situation. Why was he crying? He shouldn't be crying, that was dumb and he should have better control himself, he should be able to just turn it around and act as if he had never experienced this emotion before. 

_"This isn't healthy"_ It was the first thing he thought whenever his brain cleared enough, he could start to feel the bile rise in his throat and it burned more than he could ever know. He moved his hands to his throat and gently wrapped his hands around it, not daring to add to much pressure but just enough to keep himself grounded at this moment. He couldn't drift, no right now not today, he was already so tired and he knew that if he dissociates it would be harder to come back. He squeezed a little bit harder on his throat with a harsh and tiny inhale. While it was a different feeling it was nice, this was more of a welcomed than the pressure he felt on his chest. 

The one on his chest felt more as if he was drowning, more as if his lungs weren't able to get enough air before being dunked back into the water only to take in a thing of saltwater. Although, the gentle pressure on his neck was relaxing as if it was more of a cradle than an action that could kill him if done wrong. Both were equally bad but at least he had control over the latter, he was able to control how much pressure, he was able to mess up with his own life that was neatly folded in his hands. He grips harder not hard enough to cut off airflow, just enough to put a little bit more pressure, just enough to remind him that It was there and he did not need to worry. That he could easily just take his hands off of his throat if he felt like it was too much. 

Taako was in control and that's all that mattered in that minute. 

* * *

Sometimes Taako got so lost in his thoughts that nothing could bring him back no matter what anyone, including himself, did.

Maybe it was selfish but he actually enjoyed those moments, not the getting lost in his head part but more of the peace that it brought to him. 

* * *

The end of the year was always the worst, Taako realized that last Candlenights. Maybe it was the number of people or maybe it was the reminder that all he did for a year was the same thing he did every year without a change. But the routine was important so that he wasn't able to spiral, not like it happened often it was just a good thing to keep a routine.

So here he is leaning against the wall and nurses his small glass of wine, it made his stomach do a backflip at the now foreign taste that used to beyond familiar to him. It was like it was just his first time and, in a way, it was. He hadn't drinked since the first time he went to college and Gods know that was a long while ago. He felt as if he should run back to his room and lock the door as if he isn't wanted here and is just a burden but Lup had begged him to stay every time he went to leave. so instead, here he was, smiling and cheering as Lup chugs a couple of beers in under 10 seconds and is still going. 

Here he is laughing as she falls to the ground laughing along as he tries to help her up only to fall on top of her and laugh even more. They stayed like that for a for who knows how long, but it was long enough for Taako's sides to start hurting and his laughter to start turning into just wheezing breathes. For once in, coming up on 3 years, he was happy and everyone could see a clear change. It wasn't an obvious one, he seemed to let loose a bit more and actually went the whole night back to his old self, the over the top extra character that everyone on the team loved. 

He wanted to say the same for himself, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get the thought that the over-the-top character was just that: a character. Now, even deeper down, he knew that it wasn't he knew that he wasn't faking either thing and it was just a good day. He was still allowed good days, after all, he was still allowed to live a little.

He was still allowed to be happy!

He quickly pushed the thought down to get back to partying, making sure to avoid the alcohol even just that one glass was enough to make him feel sick to his stomach and gods know how much he could actually take. 

It was a decent night that eventually had him retiring early as even more guest started to show up. Gladly, no one thought to actually care that he was leaving and he was able to slip into his room without anyone noticing and the second he got inside he slipped down the door and silently screamed. 

* * *

The first two days of the third year Taako didn't even wake up, he tried but it seemed as if his body refused so he didn't bother to fight it. it's happened before and he knows that in another day or just a few hours his body would just let him go through it.

The worst part is that he never dreamed during these periods.

Or at all anymore. 

* * *

One day, about a month into the third year, Taako thought about actually drowning himself, sure he always had thoughts like that but today seemed to be the only day that he actually wanted to go through with it. Slowly and cautiously he started to run the bathwater while staring into it, something was off and it made his stomach drop as he looked at his face staring back at him. He looked like death, When was the last time he had eaten?

_**It was too clear.** _

He winces as his reflection before turning out the bathroom lights so that the only light in the bathroom was a single candle. He thought about tipping it over, tipping the candle just so slightly onto a curtain so that it could catch fire and take him and the house down with it. He picked the candle up, it was rosewood and a gift from Merle a candlenights or two ago he was happy he was finally going to be able to use it but he really wished this wasn't the circumstances. Maybe if he survived this he'll light it on his birthday. 

He keeps his clothes on as he climbs into the tub, it wasn't like he meant to actually bathe or anything he was in here for one reason and one reason only and like hell was he going to do it naked. As he slips in the too-cold water the fabric of his clothes seemed to drag him even deeper down despite his back being flushed with the bottom of the tub. He wondered if he should try to breathe in the water, his eyes were already open after all, to help speed the process along but decided to just stick to lying there. The water was calming and it filled his ears, and whenever he did finally have to take a breath, his nose. Sure, it stung but he had no regrets. 

Okay...He was starting to have regrets.

alright. He already was regretting this. 

He quickly sat up before coughing up the water that was currently in his body. It hurt, his lungs where on fire and his throat hurt just as bad. He got up and blew out the candle blunging the small bathroom into darkness. He didn't normally like the dark but this time it was different, this time it wasn't as suffocation as the dark normally would be, it was comforting. He quickly dismissed the thought and left the bathroom, his clothes still dripping wet and leaving a puddle every step he took.

Hey, at least the candle smelt nice.


End file.
